More questions about China

  1. What’s with the terribly drawn on eyebrows?
  2. Why does no one go to the gym in the morning (I’m not complaining about this! I love having the place to myself)?
  3. Why do people use hair velcro instead of hair clips?
  4. I swear my colleague clips his nails at least twice a week, always at his desk. Why does he need to clip his nails so often?
  5. On the subject of nails, why do some men have long nails or (ewwww vom) the one really long pinky nail? Please don’t answer this one…
  6. Why is it okay for grown adults to send “cute” pictures of kids as emojis/stickers on their WeChat?
  7. Why can’t people read maps? It seems to be some sort of national affliction.
  8. Why do people believe that Indian food isn’t spicy?
  9. Why do people think ducks can’t fly?

Do you have any questions about China? Let me know and I’ll try to answer them.

Things I wish I understood about China

I’ve lived here for nearly two years now. I’d say I’m not completely unfamiliar with the language, culture and history, and yet there are still so many things that baffle me on a daily basis.

  1. Why are people so loud? Why doesn’t noise bother anyone? Related: why don’t people use headphones?
  2. Why do people panic so much? For example, at the airport, running to the gate for their reserved seat, or when they arrive at a restaurant 2 mins ahead of schedule and message you asking if they should order?
  3. Why does anyone like pork floss?
  4. Why did a major publishing house produce a textbook called “London Bridge” with a picture of Tower Bridge on it? It’s hard to convince anyone that they’re thinking of Tower Bridge when they say that they want to visit London Bridge. I can guarantee that anyone visiting London Bridge will be very disappointed.
  5. Why does everyone insist Theresa May is a strong leader? Also, when shown the video of her dancing, why do they say “ah, at least she’s trying!”. Trying what? Can you imagine Xi Jinping doing that?!
  6. Why do girls wear red eyeshadow? They look dead.
  7. When I ask a Chinese person where they’re from, why do they answer with just “China”? Then when I ask “but where in China?” they say the province (note that even the smallest province is bigger than England). Then if I ask further they will name a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. Isn’t there a step missing? If someone asks where I’m from I don’t leap straight from “Europe” to the name of the road I grew up on.
  8. Why can’t people knock once on the door? Delivery drivers shout to announce their arrival, then knock, then wait two seconds before knocking again, and even if you shout that you’re coming they will continue to knock. Friends will do the same but without the shouting. Chill out!
  9. Why do people walk so slowly? Even in rush hour, people amble along slowly. This is contested by pretty much every Chinese person, who will insist that people walk quickly in the big cities and that in HK people walk incredibly fast. While it’s true that people in HK do walk a bit quicker, it’s still really slow!
  10. Why do people think tap water in the UK will make your hair fall out, and why is this the worst possible thing tap water could do? I know I would rather be bald than die of heavy metal poisoning…

Changing jobs in China: the banking edition

Last year I changed jobs, and wrote about the ordeal here. I’ve recently changed jobs again, but it was a much smoother process:

  • 15 September: hand in notice
  • 31 October: final day, HR applied for the cancellation of my work permit
  • 14 November: work permit cancellation letter ready, take documents to the agency dealing with the process to start the online application for my new work permit
  • 28 November: online process approved
  • 29 November: counter application started
  • 3 December: apply to cancel residence permit and replace with stay permit
  • 12 December: stay permit collected ALSO work permit fully approved
  • 17 December: apply for residence permit
  • 26 December: passport with new residence permit ready

Everything went smoothly but you’ll notice I wasn’t allowed to work (no work permit = no working) from the day I left my old work (31 October) and mid December. Just as well I had some pennies saved up!

Speaking of pennies, obviously I do not work for free and I prefer to get paid. In China it’s pretty standard practice that your employer will specify which banks they will pay your salary into, and if you don’t already have an account with one of those banks then you need to open one. There are four big banks in China (all state owned, of course): Bank of China, ICBC, Agricultural Bank of China and China Construction Bank. I have accounts with Bank of China and ICBC, but don’t really use the ICBC account as my name is written differently to wherever else it appears on official documents and this causes issues.

On my first day at work I was told I could only be paid into ICBC or China Merchants Bank. As I can’t use my existing ICBC account, I would have to open a new account at either bank – and have heard so many horror stories about ICBC that I chose CMB.

First of all, I had to wait until I had my passport back from getting the residence permit. Once I had this I went to the nearest branch (right by my office, luckily). They immediately listed all the different things I would need to apply: residence permit? work contract? housing contract? police registration form? Shanghai phone number? Yes, to all these. They asked me to fill in a form while they photocopied my documents and then told me they would be in touch once they had authorisation from head office.

I went away and waited. HR messaged me several times asking me what was going on. Eventually I got a call to say I’d been approved.

I went back into the branch and the lady I’d been dealing with wasn’t there, so I explained the whole situation again. The new cashier got out all my documents and some more forms. She gave me a tax form to fill in… which is when things went bad.

I’ve been hearing things about tax changes here in China – essentially foreigners can now be taxed on global income, so they want our tax numbers. My ICBC account has actually been frozen because I haven’t supplied them with this number. But that’s beside the point. It’s never been particularly clear whether they want our Chinese tax numbers or the ones from our home country. After lots of hassle last week, I managed to almost get my Chinese tax number, but it turned out they wanted the home tax number (the form actually said the tax number where we are tax residents, which for me is only China currently, but hey).

I filled in the form – the first I’ve seen with a box for middle name. This caused some problems as China generally assumes I have two first names. The cashier was also confused that my middle name didn’t match what was on my passport but it turned out she was looked at the words “Eireannach/Irish”. The biggest problem was that my passport is Irish and my tax number is my UK national insurance number.

“You need to put your Irish tax number”, she said.

“I don’t have one, I’ve never worked in Ireland,” I told her. “I have only worked in China and the UK, so the only non-Chinese tax number I have is a UK one.”

“I don’t think we can open your account,” she told me. “It has to match your nationality.”

“But I also have British nationality…” I nearly said, before I thought better of it, dual nationality being an alien concept in China.

Eventually, after making some phone calls and involving almost everyone in the branch, it was decided that I could use my passport number as my tax number, and that they didn’t need my UK tax number.

Next up, my phone number had to be verified, by calling the phone company to check that the number was registered to me (and my passport number). I also got sent a 6 digit code to enter.

Finally, I signed my name several times on the screen, ticking “I agree” to things I hadn’t read (does anyone read these things?), set up my PIN, set up the PIN for the app, signed my bank card and got the bank to write down the SWIFT code for me.

1.5 hours later, I had a new bank account!

I went back to the office and let HR know, then downloaded the app. Of course, having a bank card in China is not that useful as it’s not like you can use it to do very much. Most of the time I do everything using Alipay or WeChat Pay. Amazingly I was able to link my new account to both these apps! I transferred some money to test it out and now I just have to hope that I get paid with no drama next week.

To think that in the UK, I’ve had the same bank account since I was six… I’ve been in China less than two years and I already have three! Still, a good test for both my patience and my Chinese skills.

Things I do that are rather Chinese

I wrote a while ago about why I think I might actually be Chinese. But having lived here for a little while now, I have developed some rather Chinese habits…

When I first moved to China I was amazed that everyone was glued to their phones. In the UK, there’s no signal on the tube so you have to read the crappy free papers instead, but in China (well, Shanghai at least) there’s 4G everywhere – and 5G coming soon. Now I am a phone zombie too. I stare at my phone on the metro, including when getting off (though I do hold on to it tightly as I brace for impact with all the people rushing to get on before anyone gets off), I read while walking down the street, I hold up traffic because I’m checking social media while cycling to work. I’m not necessarily very proud of myself but it’s easy to get sucked in. And sometimes, every now and then at least, it’s work related and then I feel entirely justified.

Speaking of social media… I joke that many people only do things so that they can post it on social media. In China, pretty much all foreign social media is blocked, and if you want to boast to your friends that you queued up at Hey Tea to get a boba cheese fruit tea then you post the picture on WeChat Moments. I mock this, along with the filters and the beauty filters (admittedly some of them are ridiculous and make people look like aliens), but guess what I did when I went to Hey Tea last week?!

People in the UK, my mum at least (hi Mum!), think it’s weird that people in Asia wear face masks. But you know what, it’s actually quite nice to have a mask on in winter as it keeps your face warm. It helps to let people know that you’re sick (eg. your boss), and it feels like you’re doing something about your annoying winter cold rather than just moaning about it. On polluted days, a mask is crucial, specifically one with a proper PM2.5 rating. I have one with filters that you change on a daily basis, and while I think it’s very effective, I can’t get the idea that I’m changing my mask’s nappy.

When I was growing up we used to go to Peterborough to the big shopping centre as a treat during the school holidays. Now, not only do I call shopping centres ‘malls’, but I go to one EVERY DAY. Every. Single. Day. China has an abundance of malls, far too many to be in any way commercially viable (the government has incentivised this, and as a result you see dead malls (very strange to see) and thousands of malls full of all the same shops), and a lot of services can be found in them. Normally on the basement level, or B1, there is a food court and superamarket. Floors 1-3 are shops, floor 4 is kids shops/services, floor 5+ are restaurants, hairdressers, beauty salons, etc, and then on the top floor there may be a cinema. If you want to buy something, you’re going to a mall. If you want to eat, the chances are you’re going to a mall. It’s a weird phenomenom. Actually, as I write this I am quite proud to realise I haven’t been to a mall today (I’m in a trendy coffee shop – so Shanghai).

I’ve saved the best for last… I was brought up to cover my mouth when I cough, but it turns out that the 1.4 billion people here were not taught the same thing. Now I’m not saying I do this all the time, certainly not when there are people around, but sometimes I cough and don’t bother covering my mouth and it feels simultaneously disgusting and OH SO LIBERATING.

Yunnan

I’ve been to quite a few places in China now, though recently all of my travels have been in Jiangsu and Zhejiang provinces (nearest to Shanghai). As I’m not working at the moment, I have quite a bit of time to myself, hence the trips to Cambodia and Hong Kong last month. As of earlier this week I temporarily don’t have a passport as it’s with the Entry-Exit Bureau for processing. They gave me a paper receipt that is taking the place of my passport for the moment, but I can’t leave the country with it as there’s no mechanism for re-entering the country. I don’t carry my passport with me on a daily basis (it’s the law) but I do take it with me whenever I leave Shanghai, as you need it to take a train, fly (even domestically), stay at a hotel etc. Oh yeah and you need it when you go to the doctors or the bank or the post office (sometimes they will accept a picture – mine does, but I’ve heard of branches that are more annoying about it) and I’m sure lots of other situations that I’ve forgotten. Anyway, no passport = no international travel. But receipt + free time = domestic travel. And this time I decided to go to Yunnan.

Yunnan is in the southwest of China, bordering Vietnam, Laos and Myanmar. It’s somewhere I’ve wanted to go for ages – for the culture, diversity (it’s actually very ethnically divese, as about 35% people are from ethnic minorities (Chinese ethnic minorities)), countryside, food, etc – but it’s a long way from Shanghai. This time I actually wanted to fly from Pudong Airport, which felt weird and unnatural as I may have mentioned that I hate that place. I had an engagement in Pudong District that morning so it made sense to go straight to the airport. It actually wasn’t horrendous, I didn’t need to take a bus across the tarmac and we left pretty much on time. The only problem was that at the gate I had my bag open and the ridiculously cute baby behind me reached into my bag and pulled out a pair of my pants! Clean ones at least. I managed to get them back off him before his parents looked up from their phones.

We landed in Kunming at sunset and I stood admiring the colour of the sky for a while. Then I took the metro into town and walked to my hotel. At the hotel I pulled the receipt out of the plastic wallet I was keeping it safe in, and encountered two problems: firstly, the hotel staff had absolutely no idea what to do with it and said they couldn’t check me in, and secondly, my train ticket for the morning was not in the wallet anymore. Eventually the hotel allowed me to check in, but I had to go to the train station to buy a new ticket (I would have bought it online and collected it in the morning, but was worried that my “passport” wouldn’t be recognised and I’d miss the train). Ticket in hand, I got a mobike and cycled back to the hotel, missing my turning and cycling across a lot of the city before I wondered why it seemed *so* much further on the way back.

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I slept really badly, no doubt partly due to the spicy potatoes I had for dinner (that and a hot chocolate, don’t say I don’t lead a balanced life) and cycled to the station. Kunming was bustling and the air felt clean and fresh. I definitely had a good impression of the city despite my own best attempts to sabotage the trip. Once on the train I fell asleep, waking up once to shush the woman next to me, and waking up finally as the man next to me was kicking the seat. Finally we arrived in Dali, and I got a bus to Dali old town. This took another hour, not helped by getting stuck behind a truck doing a 100-point turn, but I entertained myself by getting involved in a passive aggressive but silent argument with the woman behind me about opening the window.

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Once in Dali I set out on a wander. I had a guide to Dali’s cafes/bars/restaurants from a friend of a friend and I tried to work out where I was and where a cafe might be. As luck would have it I came to a stop right outside one of the recommendations. A fluffy cat sat contentedly on the bar and later a border collie wearing a collar of shame bounded in. One coffee later, I set out again and went to a small museum of Dai culture (Dai is the ethnic group from Dali), where a group of old people were very enthusiastically playing chinese instruments.

I then headed to my hotel and checked in (no hassle about my passport receipt here). The hotel was very nice and had a great bar area. The room also very excitingly had no glass between the bathroom and bedroom.IMG_20181206_160408

I set off up the road to the Three Pagodas. These are three pagodas and some temples on the edge of town, destroyed a few times (most recently in the Cultural Revolution) but restored nicely. Tourist destinations in China can sometimes be awful: overcrowded, loud, badly restored… but this was great! It helped that the site was very big, and that it was late-ish in the day, but speakers playing buddhist music throughout the site helped to keep a nice peaceful atmosphere too.

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Afterwards I walked back to town and went for a drink before trying to find the restaurant I wanted to go to for dinner. The restaurant had no menu so I asked them to cook me something with vegetables, and it was delicious!

I went back to the bar after dinner and the barmaid told me that the band were just taking a break, so I took a seat at the bar and read a little. The band played loads of indie covers and I smiled at the cute bassist. The barmaid bought me a drink and I ended up staying until 2am. The bassist bought me a plate of chips, so my earlier flirting was not in vain.

The next morning I woke up at my normal time of 7.30 but managed to get back to sleep, waking up a bit later to eat a banana and go back to sleep once more. I finally bounded out of bed at 11.40 and enjoyed the mother of all showers. Once packed up I walked into town and went to a vegetarian buffet at a temple, 5 RMB for all you can eat. I washed it down with a doughnut from a bakery as I’m all about the balance. I then looked for a cafe, and ended up at Craftsman Coffee, caught up on life admin and tried to persuade my friend that it would indeed snow in Shanghai at the weekend. Then I went totally wild shopping, haha.

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Late afternoon, I took the bus back to Dali station and bought myself a fruit platter for the train journey. Said fruit platter exploded in the bag and I had watermelon everywhere. At least the pomelo wasn’t hurt! In Kunming I cycled to where I was staying, a different hotel to before, and didn’t get lost! I thought about going out but settled for hanging out in the bar for a bit.

The next morning I woke up feeling refreshed and hustled out of the door to get a coffee. I found a shortcut down to the lake and watched an old lady feeding the seagulls. Why are there seagulls inland? And why are people encouraging them??

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I had some work to do in the morning, but once that was done I set out on a bike to Daguan Park in the southwest of the city. The park was very nice, with lakes, pavilions, a fairground, old people making music and a million seagulls. It was extremely windy and the clouds scuttled across the sky as if they were being chased.

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I went to the Bird and Flower Market but didn’t see any birds or flowers, nor did I see any pets for sale. I did at one point see a shop selling rabbits and chinchillas but didn’t buy any, even though I’d love a fluffy little friend.From the market I walked to Wenlin Street and had a coffee and crepe at the French Cafe, before queuing for dinner at Heavenly Manna – totally worth it as I ordered a plate of deep-fried cheese!

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The next morning I repeated my coffee-seagulls-work routine.

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I somehow managed to fit everything in my bag (I’d just brought a small rucksack for the trip, but had been buying things as if I had a whole suitcase) and thought about how nice it would be to be able to change my clothes when I got back to Shanghai (the downside of travelling light – and I had to try and think of something positive about going back to Shanghai as it was in fact snowing!). I walked down to the lake and meandered up to Yuantong Temple, Yunnan’s oldest buddhist temple.

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Finally I went back to the lake and to the cafe with the highest ranking on Dianping (kind of like yelp/google reviews) in the area. I ordered a coffee and it turned up as a ball of ice that you had to add milk to. I wasn’t sure what to do at first and didn’t want to fuck it up and be judged by the baristas, but as my friend pointed out, they served a ball of ice as coffee so they have absolutely no grounds in being judgemental.

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I still had a bit of time and had probably had too much coffee, so on the way to the metro I stopped at another cafe where I had a pretty awful sandwich. I used the loo before I left and managed to block it, and did a runner before anyone could get angry with me. As I walked to the metro I laughed to myself thinking about how I’d had such a nice holiday and that was how I repaid the city of Kunming! But the city had the last laugh as that sandwich came back to haunt me at the airport, making a rather hasty escape from my insides. Sorry (to anyone reading this as well as to the province of Yunnan).

TLDR: Yunnan is great, had a brilliant time, travelling without a passport is possible but stressful, drank a lot of great Yunnan coffee, did some hardcore shopping, nearly shit myself at the airport.

Things that make me irrationally angry about living in China

Living in China can sometimes be challenging, and sometimes it can be rage inducing. Some of the things that grind my gears are (in my opinion, anyway) genuine issues. However there are some things that I know are not really big issues, yet they drive me nuts. For my friend, it’s the socks that old people wear, like mini stockings: slightly off-flesh colour, usually too tight to make little sausage legs. For me, well, read on…

1. The Shanghai Metro is a beautiful thing. There are 17 (?) lines now, a new one or two (plus extensions) every year. It’s cheap, it’s clean, it’s reliable. It’s also crowded and some of the people it’s crowded with have no concept of things like queuing, not pushing, talking at a reasonable volume, not playing music/videos at full blast, spitting, etc. But this isn’t what makes me angry (because it just can’t…. mind over matter). What I hate is that the hanging handgrips are positioned just at forehead height. Maybe this isn’t an issue for shorter people, but I’m not exactly a giant (1.76) yet these stupid hanging things smack me in the head all the time. They also have quite a bit of swing to them, so if someone lets go of one then it swings at quite a rate directly into your face. I bruised my eye socket this way.

2. Water bottles in China are often made of very flimsy plastic and filled completely to the brim, so that when you open them you compress the plastic and spill water all over yourself.

3. In hotels, the bathroom is usually separated from the rest of the room by a window. I asked a Chinese friend and he said it’s to make the room look bigger. No thanks, I’d rather have a smaller room with no toilet in the middle of it. Another friend said it’s so that when you’re having a shower the prostitute can’t do a runner with all your valuables.

4. Nailclipping in public. The sound of it makes me want to kill someone, possibly by clipping them to death.

5. Table manners in general. Slurping and burping just sound so awful to me. If I’m eating on my own in a restaurant I take headphones. Actually, that’s my China pro-tip: always have headphones. Noise cancelling if possible.

6. When you write Chinese characters, you have to write the strokes in a particular order, so this gets drilled into kids from the moment they learn to write. A lot of people apply the same order to writing in English, so they will cross the ‘t’ before writing the rest of the letter. It just looks so wrong, especially if they try to write in cursive (though admittedly very few people do this – my writing is “impossible to read”, according to my boss, which makes me happy as I can easily communicate with native English speakers/readers without my colleagues understanding).

7. Contrary to popular belief, milk is available in China. Some people are lactose intolerant, but most other people drink milky drinks like there’s no tomorrow. Usually I’ll order milk from the supermarket, but if I’ve run out and I need my morning coffee, I will grab some from the convenience store. Milk comes in little tetrapak cartons and is stored next to the yoghurt, also in tetrapak cartons, both in blue. And this is how I poured yoghurt into my coffee.

8. On that note… why is the yoghurt always runny? Where’s the Greek yoghurt at?

While I can be zen (or am becoming more zen…) about some of the big things (or at least I tell myself I can!), these little things cause me completely disproportionate levels of stress. If you’ve been to China, what little things drive you up the wall?

Grand Tour: Curry

Being British, I miss the fine cuisine found in the British Isles, and by that I mean curry. Last year my friend Ellie introduced me to an Indian restaurant in Shanghai, and we went along together. Other than that, I got my fix of Indian food when I went to Hong Kong for the week. This year I moved house and ended up 500 metres from the restaurant Ellie had recommended. I have been many times – including the day I moved in, which was a generally horrendous day, other than the curry, as it involved staying out salsa dancing (in a non-salsa bar) until 3am with my colleague, then having to try to find packing tape as I’d neglected to buy any, followed by packing all my belongings while trying to stave off a nauseous hangover of my life. Oh, and then getting stopped by the police mid-move and the removal man telling me off for having too many boxes. Let’s just say I earned that curry.

This year has also seen me start a Grand Tour of Shanghai’s Indian restaurants. I don’t really remember how it came about, but another friend and I started talking about curries and now we can’t stop talking about curries and are working our way around all the Indian restaurants we can find. Curries are changeable; garlic naan is non-negotiable.

Lotus Leaf, Tianzifang
Tucked away in the alleyways of Tianzifang, I came here after a day at the art gallery with another good friend. I’d been to another branch of Lotus Leaf but this one is more atmospheric. We ate curry and garlic naan. I got told that beer with curry was wrong and I should be drinking coke. I gave that a go. This is a great choice for dinner if you’re in Tianzifang.

Vedas, Changshu Lu
Despite being on a main road, I found this one harder to find than Lotus Leaf. Also, I’d walked there in the August sweatfest so I was “glowing”. There was a distinct lack of atmosphere in the restaurant but we got the party started with garlic naan and one of the best curries of my life. The vegetable kebab are out of this world. I could eat here every week.

Masala Art, Wuding Lu
After a long day at work, what I needed was a curry, though true to form I managed to get lost – right outside the building. At one point, a family came in and the two sons kept their helmets on for the whole meal. The food was pretty solid but despite a coke I was extremely sleepy and stuffing my face with garlic naan did not help to wake me up. I will have to go back.

Currify, near Nanjing Xi Lu
I’d spotted this place, next door to my beloved Sproutworks, a few weeks before, though had to wait until my inconsiderate friend came back from holiday. It seemed to be a collaboration between Currify and a bar, but the only nod to it being a bar seemed to be that we were perched on bar stools. The naan was garlicky and delicious, so we ordered more, and we went wild and ordered another coke each – then of course neither of us slept that night.

Nepali Kitchen, Julu Lu
A renegade choice, I went to Nepali Kitchen about a year ago when a university friend moved to Shanghai. Somehow it wasn’t where I thought it was, so yes, I inadvertently got slightly lost yet a-fucking-gain. Pineapple shashlik was the standout dish, garlic naan wasn’t very garlicky (sob), one of us had two cokes but one of us was smart and chose jasmine tea for their second drink. We managed to spend 4.5 hours here before we were finally kicked out by the waiter.

Teaching C this summer

I mentioned my student, C, before. He’s nearly 18 and has some challenges understanding what’s appropriate and what’s not. This summer I was teaching him GCSE Geography. Here is a selection of the conversations we had during our classes.

C thinks dinosaurs still exist, some of them at least.

C thinks young ladies shouldn’t go camping in case they have their period.

C also thinks young ladies don’t eat at McDonald’s.

“Miss, what would that teacher over there do if I punched you?”

“20% of people in China are lazy, 40% of people in the UK are lazy and more than 50% of people in France are lazy”

C asked if I’d ever stayed in a 5* hotel, and when I said yes, he asked how I’d paid for it. “But miss, you’re not rich, you work here!”

“America lost the Vietnam War because the soldiers were lazy and ate too much fast food”

“People deserved to die in the tsunami because they shouldn’t live in silly places”

“I think it would be too hot to live in the centre of the earth, I’m glad I don’t live there”

“Global warming will make Africa warmer but nowhere else”

C wanted to know why he wasn’t allowed to refer to another teacher, who is black, as “that dark man”, even behind his back.

“Miss, you are lucky you live in China because no one will punch you for being a lady. Five years ago this wasn’t the case, in Yunnan you would get punched for being a lady, now it’s fine though”

“Only China sent aid to Haiti after the earthquake”

C got angry with me for showing a video made by NASA and not the Chinese space agency.

“Miss, your skin is pretty and nice”

C was talking about responsibilities, and said that his responsibilities are to help ladies carry their bags and and their babies. When questioned about this he said that he would only offer to carry someone’s baby if they had two or three babies on their hands.

“The government of Africa is rubbish. I’m sorry to use such a strong word, miss, but they are rubbish”

C is adamant that the population of Canada is 2.4 billion.

“Urbanisation is bad because you then have to build a drawbridge for all the people”

“If you were my wife, I would protect you when you went swimming”

C thinks volcanoes are man-made.

“Miss, will you sleep with me in a hotel?”

My first ayi

When I lived in a shared house in London, we had a cleaner once a week. There were four of us, plus visiting partners and a cat, and the idea was that having a cleaner would help us to keep the place clean/tidy throughout the week. It cost us about 15 GBP per hour (I can’t find the pound sign on this keyboard…). Because I am middle class and British, I found having a cleaner really weird, but accepted that the alternative was to clean up after my housemates.

In Shanghai, I live on my own and so have been fighting getting a cleaner. But no more.

Yesterday I went on 大众点评 (an app that’s a bit like yelp or google reviews or something, but better – you can book through it) and ordered a cleaning lady, or ayi, to come this morning. It cost me 70 RMB for two hours.

She showed up 20 minutes early, which was a bit awkward as I was just going out to buy a milk tea and some more cleaning products – I was suddenly worried that she wouldn’t bring any… and I was right. We had a bit of a chat and I showed her around the flat and left her to start on the bathroom while I went to the shops to buy her a mop.

I came back and found her cleaning the bathroom with my face towel. “Is it okay to use this cloth?” she asked. Well, a bit late now…

I retreated to my bedroom where I attempted to look very studious. She didn’t care about this and kept popping in to ask me questions about why I lived alone, how much rent I paid, why I didn’t clean more often… In the meantime she made every surface in my flat damp, before sweeping the floor and making that damp too. I *think* she used some cleaning products but not really enough.

After about an hour she told me that she was done, and I pretended to inspect the place and said “yeah yeah, looks great, thanks” so that she could leave and I could use the loo.

Actually, she’s not done a bad job. Cleaning is boring and I’m happy to pay someone to do it for me, and I get to practice my Chinese in the meantime. And now I own a mop.

Here are my top tips for getting an ayi:

  • Don’t expect her to bring any cleaning materials or products. Mine literally just brought a straw hat.
  • Either get one through a recommendation or you can order one through the app if you can read Chinese.
  • Don’t expect her to speak any English whatsoever.
  • Expect lots of personal questions!
  • Hide anything you don’t mind her commandeering for use as a cleaning cloth. I’m serious: towels, pillow cases, sheets, underwear, clothes, etc.
  • Point out the cleaning products several times and make it clear that you want them used.
  • Don’t get stressed that her idea of cleaning is to make everything damp with a cloth. If you have specific things you want cleaning then either tell/show her or do it yourself when she’s gone – I have a bit of a mold problem and bought some fancy imported mold spray but I wasn’t going to go to the hassle of explaining how to use this to her.
  • If you book her for a certain time, eg 09:30, expect her anytime from 09:00. And don’t expect her to stay for two hours, she’ll tell you when she’s finished and then you can either say you’re happy with it or ask her to clean something she’s missed.

It’s pretty cool to think I have a nice clean(ish) flat now, having booked it on an app yesterday. That’s one of the cool things about living in China, you can order/book anything you like. If I run out of ice, I order some. If I’m hungry, I order food. If I want an inflatable ball pond to play in, I order one. Life is convenient. Life is good.

 

Drive me crazy, part 2: theory test

Remember I wanted to get my driving licence? Well, here’s what happened when I took my theory test!

I took my test at the end of June and foolishly assumed that I’d be able to apply common sense and pass in this way. Nope! There are 100 questions out of a question bank of around 1250, and while some of them are common sense, other require memorising the regulations (some of which are nonsensical) and the chinglish phrases included in it. You can choose to take the test in Chinese, English, Japanese, Korean, French or German (and maybe others?). In some ways taking it in Chinese would be easier but they weren’t keen to offer this to me (foreigners don’t speak Chinese after all).

I arrived at the test centre with half an icecream spilled down my front, not a great sign. I had a bit of time to spare so I read through some of the regulations, sending the more amusing ones to friends.

Finally I went upstairs to the testing room, which is in building 1, in the room above the room where you make the appointments (desks 40/41). A man took my papers and checked things through again, before telling me to sit. A few minutes later, he called my name and I sat down at a computer.

I logged in and was a bit weirded out by the video of me in the top corner of the screen. Some of the questions made sense but some of them were nonsense, and some of them I just had no idea what the answer could be. I worked my way through all 100 questions and hit submit… 79. Fail. You get another go straight away and this time I got 78, so I had to go back to the 1st floor to get a number for appointment desks on the 2nd floor, where I made an appointment to retake the test.

Take 2, a few weeks later, and this time I’d studied. I downloaded the app, though couldn’t access more than 150 questions as it wouldn’t let me pay for the premium version. I memorised everything I could and then took a page of notes on some of the bits of the regulations that I knew didn’t make sense or otherwise needed memorisation – penalties for particular traffic offences, etc. I ate another ice cream on the way there, this time not spilling any on me.

I went back to the test room, and when my name was called, sat down at the computer and worked through the questions. If I knew the answer, I answered it; if I didn’t, I left it and came back to it at the end. There were about 15 questions in total that were either too vague/badly written to know what they were asking or I just didn’t know the answer. I made some guesses and hit submit.

An agonising few seconds later, my score popped up on screen. 92! Pass!

I went back to reception and they printed out a page with my passing score. Hilariously this had screenshots of me mid-exam.WeChat Image_20180801111302

I took all these papers down to the 1st floor to get another number for desks 40/41… There I submitted all the papers and was directed to desk 30/31, to pay. I stupidly didn’t keep the receipt but I think it was 70 RMB. I went back to desks over near 40/41 and waited until someone shouted my name (in Chinese), and they handed me my brand new Chinese driving licence!WeChat Image_20180801111231

Watch out, everyone on Chinese roads! Mwahaha.

Costs:

Translation: 50 RMB

Photos: 25 RMB

Medical check: 60 RMB

Theory test: 60 RMB

Licence: 10 RMB

TOTAL COST: 205 RMB